waiting for magic...

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted. I’ve been such a miserable slag that I haven’t had anything to post. I think people are tired of me being sad. I’m tired of being sad. Here I go, being sad. Bad Dana.

I recently found out that Rob and Amanda are dating. Can’t say I didn’t see that one coming. I also found out that their “anniversary” is December 9th (which was Rob and I’s anniversary). I don’t want this to bug me. I promised myself that I wouldn’t check his blog anymore. It only makes me depressed. But I did and too late to go back now. I really don’t want this to bug me. I want to be over Rob. I keep asking myself why this is so difficult to get over. I mean, if the relationship wasn’t working, then I should be able to be over it a little bit. But here’s the ugly truth folks: I’m not. I keep trying to give myself cop out reasons why I’m still upset. Is it because he just wounded my pride and I hate that he chose someone else over me? Did I do something wrong? Do I still love him? I keep searching for an answer, but I can’t find one and I end up feeling so empty. Supposedly there is someone out there better for me. Here’s another scary thing that I’m not supposed to say. What if I’m never that happy in a relationship again? I know, your gut instinct is to say, well you’re just being silly or of course you’ll be or something like that. Trust me, I’ve heard it all before. I’ve said it all before! But what if I’m not? No, what if I’m not? Here’s the irritating part about the whole debacle. This past summer, I remember thinking that I wouldn’t change anything about my life. I was so happy and I loved how all of it was going. I didn’t want to change anything. How many people actually have that cathartic moment? I wasn’t waiting for something to happen to make things a little better. It just was. Great. And being with Rob was a huge part of that.

You want to know another crazy part (or maybe this is the sane part of me talking)? I don’t want to get back together with Rob. Do you know what that relationship would be like? I would constantly be wondering what I was doing wrong. I have become this low self-esteem idiot and I don’t even want to know how low my confidence would stoop if I was questioning everything I said, every intonation, every action.

I love my Colorado friends right now. Especially Shaw. He makes me laugh when I’m getting too “wallow-y.” And Kerry. She’s so cute making plans about D.C. It brightens my day to get one of her emails. And Anthony. He gives me great music that is still making me happy. And Ty. Technically no longer resides in Colorado. Knows that I’m a “hugger.” I love that all of these people can hold a great conversation with me after not talking for a month (or longer). It’s nice to have that when I’m longing for something that isn’t really associated with Rob.

Posted by Dana on Friday, January 19, 2007 at 9:50 PM | Permalink